How to Ask a Woman to Dance
Notice someone you would like to ask to join out on the dance floor? Here's how to ask her.
This one is for the guys. Lately, I’ve been attending local dance socials, and I’ve seen women standing around, waiting for someone to ask them to dance, and guys standing around who look unsure about how to ask them.
First of all, there’s good news for the men. No woman goes to a dance wanting to be a wallflower. So, if you go up and ask a woman to dance, the odds are in your favor, and she’ll agree to dance with you. However, there are a few things that will absolutely tip the balance. So get some friends together and go to a dance in your community. I’m a fan of Latin-style dancing (and so are a lot of people), but this works for other dance styles, too.
My first tip may seem obvious, but it’s probably the most important: pick a dance style that you like and then go take some lessons. This is because you’ll feel much more confident when you attend a dance social and know what you’re doing instead of turning up and attempting to learn on the fly. My advanced tip is to find an instructor who you like and hire them for some private lessons. Group classes are great, but if you want to get really good, go for some one-on-one lessons. A few hours of dedicated instruction will rapidly accelerate your dance skills.
Then, when you turn up at a dance, make sure that you look nice. (Women understand this, but some guys need encouragement in this department…) Clean up, dress appropriately for your dance style, and wear nice shoes. Remember, you’re going up to strangers and asking them to dance with you. Depending on the dance style, you’ll be holding this person and leading them, and if you go to a bachata social, there’s the move we call “cuddle position,” so there can be that too! So, put in the effort to be appealing to your potential partners. Pleasurable dancing has just as much to do with style, smell, and appearance as it does with rhythm and technical skill. (A note on how you smell: do not overdo cologne. If you do wear it, it needs to be very light. Another person should only smell it if they put their head against your neck or your chest. Personally, I don’t use it. All you need to do is make sure you smell nice and clean.)
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Let’s say that you’ve selected a dance style, taken some lessons, and you’ve dressed up nicely. Now you’re at a dance, and there’s an alluring lady who’s caught your eye. Ready to go up and ask her to dance? Here’s how to do it.
Act fast:
When you spot someone who you would like to dance with, you must not hesitate. Don’t wait around and see if she notices you. Don’t check in with your friends and ask what they think about her. Go straight up to her. If you don’t, some other guy is getting there first. Chances are he’s a better dancer than you, and once he dances off with your lady of choice, there is a strong stance you’ll never see her again. Dances are very much a "you snooze, you lose” environment. If you see someone you like, get in there!
Eye contact:
As you approach a woman, try to make eye contact with her. It’s better that she sees you coming rather than you surprise her. Don’t worry; when she sees you approach, she’ll know you’re coming in to ask her to dance. Women are smart like that. If she sees you coming and holds eye contact or smiles at you, it’s pretty much guaranteed that she’ll say yes to your offer to dance. If she doesn’t see you coming and you surprise her, the risk that she will decline is greater. (But keep in mind, she’s there to dance, so the probability of her saying yes remains in your favor.)
Smiling:
It is not necessary to smile. Just look relaxed and friendly. A slight mischievous smile is all right. However, if you smile too much, it comes across as obsequious, which is not inviting. In your mind's eye, think of James Bond; that’s ideally how you want to come across when you approach a woman and ask her to dance. (It’s okay if you don’t actually look like James Bond. As you walk up to her, simply imagine that you are James Bond, and you will have the right attitude.)
Take Her Hand:
As you approach, extend your hand. If she takes your hand, she’s definitely coming out to dance with you. Frankly, if she takes your hand, you may not even need to say anything. She knows what’s going on, and you can now lead her onto the dance floor. If, however, it’s not practical to take her by the hand the moment that you approach, I then recommend touching her lightly on her forearm as you ask her to join you in dancing. Dances are noisy and distracting places, and a light touch on her arm will get her attention.
What to Say:
When you ask her to dance, phrase what you have to say as a statement and not a question. Here are a few examples:
“Join me for this dance.”
“Come dance with me.”
“Let’s dance.”
I prefer to keep my invitation simple and direct. You’re not here to have a conversation with the woman. It’s time to dance, and you mean business.
Lead Her onto the Dance Floor:
Ideally, by now, you are holding your hand, and you lead her onto the dance floor. Allow me to repeat this: you lead her onto the dance floor. In most dance styles (at least the ones I’m aware of), the male partner is expected to lead. You want to establish that you are a strong lead from the first moment you make eye contact with your prospective partner when you take her hand, when you lead her out onto the dance floor, and then throughout the dance. By allowing you to lead, your partner is trusting you to not only be a good dancer, but you can also lead her around a crowded dance floor without crashing into anyone. So, build your partner’s trust in your skill as a lead by confidently leading her to the spot where the two of you will begin to dance.
Time to Dance!
The dance has started! You made it. The lovely woman you asked is there with you; you’re holding her, and you’re leading her around the dance floor. Now, it’s up to your skill, rhythm, and style (and what you learned in any lessons you took) to carry you and your partner through the dance. If she’s a good dancer and you connect well, dancing together is a great experience for both partners. If one of you isn’t as skilled as the other, but you have a good connection, it can still also be a great time. (If you’re both terrible, maybe you can laugh about it together later.) No matter what, you should have fun while you connect and meet new people, which is what makes dancing so enjoyable and worthwhile.
If you are reading this and you haven’t tried dancing or if you haven’t gone out dancing for a while, I highly encourage you to try it. Dancing is a fundamental human experience that can really bring joy to those who practice it and attend dances. So make plans to go dancing!
Good question 🙂