Mental Interrupts: A Powerful Tool for Letting Go
A Technique to Help Letting Go of Someone Even When We Don't Want To
“People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar.” - Thich Nhat Hanh – Vietnamese Buddhist Monk and Mindfulness Teacher
We all have people in our lives who we have cared for and even loved, but we need to let go of them if we’re going to move forward and get on with our lives. These could be family members, past romantic partners, friends, or people in our social circle.
However, even if we know holding onto our thoughts about a past relationship isn’t good for us, we hang in there and stick with them. We do this because it’s what we know, it feels comfortable, and it seems safer than the alternative. Maybe if we leave these thoughts behind, we find ourselves feeling even more alone. In many ways, loneliness is scarier than moving on from thoughts and memories that are no longer good for us.
So what do we do? How do we put these relationships in the rearview mirror for good?
First, it’s important to acknowledge that doing this takes courage. If you’re feeling uncertain, you’re not alone. I believe everyone who has needed to move on from a past relationship feels doubt and fear. So know that you are in good company and if you reach out to others to talk about your feelings, there is a good chance you will receive empathy.
However, if you find you are dwelling on a past relationship or have someone stuck in your mind — you find yourself thinking about them even if you don’t want to, here is a practical technique that can help you to let go.
What Is A Mental Interrupt?
One of the hardest things about letting go of a past relationship is stopping yourself from thinking about that person. This is difficult because you were used to that person being in your life and now you are left with their absence. In general, the feeling of absence is distressing. Even if you logically tell yourself it’s for the best that your relationship with that person is over, you find yourself missing them. You may find yourself stuck in an unhappy loop where you often (or even constantly) think about that person and it can be very hard to stop.
One way to overcome this is to consciously intervene with what I call a “mental interrupt” whenever you start thinking about that person. This is a very specific technique which requires planning and discipline but it can be very effective.
The key to doing this is to first be aware that you are thinking in a loop, ruminating, or obsessing about someone. This self-awareness is a critical first step because once you are consciously aware of your thoughts, you can change them.
Creating Your Mental Interrupt
The next step is to create your mental interrupt. Creating your mental interrupt is a relatively simple three step process. All you will need is a pen, your journal, and some quiet time set aside to contemplate your thoughts.
The first thing you do is write down the name of the person you are thinking about and the particular thought you are having. For example, “I am thinking about X and I feel wronged because they <insert reason>.”
Underneath that, write down the thought or intention that you would rather have. For example, “When I think about X, I feel gratitude because <insert your reason for feeling grateful.>” Replacing negative thoughts and feelings with ones of gratitude are very powerful. They are not only positive but they allow us to acknowledge that all our experiences enable us to learn, grow, and become the wiser and better person who we are today.
For an alternative, when you write down your mental interrupt, you can make it an action. For example, here are a couple I have used.
“When I’m at home and I think about X, I do five pullups.” Using a physical activity for a mental interrupt is helpful because when you start moving your body it will change your thought pattern.
Another one that works for me is, “When I think about X, I write one paragraph in my book.” This one is a little easier to do than pullups but it has a similar effect. Instead of thinking about person X, my brain starts thinking about my next book.
Does this technique work? Well, today, I can do a lot of pullups and I’ve published an entire book! Clearly, it works for me but will it work with you? The only way to know for sure is to try it. Think of a positive thought or activity that you would really like to use as your mental interrupt and give it a go. Whatever you decide to do, it should be easy for you to access and do. If it’s too difficult to perform your mental interrupt, you won’t do it and you’ll just wind up thinking about the person who you are trying to let go of.
You Will Still Think of That Person
Even after you let go of a relationship, it still lives in the your memory and you will still think of that person from time to time. This is okay. The idea of a mental interrupt is not to erase that person from your thoughts. Rather, it is to take control of your thinking and turn negative thoughts which are holding you back into positive ones that are beneficial. Or, you use thoughts of that person as a trigger to inspire you to do a positive action. So when thoughts about that relationship occur, it is no longer distressing. So even though you still think of this person at times, you now consciously control how your feel and what actions you take.
Mental interrupts are one useful tool in the process of letting go of a past relationship. If you are using mental interrupts along with other techniques and still finding it too hard to let go, do not hesitate to seek help from friends, ministers, and professional counselors. With the support of helpful and kind people who are around us, we can achieve the relief of letting go.
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Love the idea of a mental interrupt and turn negativity into something positive and productive.
Well done and the results are clearly there!